Yous Widdnae Get This at the Big Bingo!
As some of you may know, I do a bit of volunteer barmaid work at the Auld Yins Bingo. For any non-Scots readers that means old people. Thought I’d explain that as communication is the point of the story. Anyway, favourite phrase of the Auld Yins, started up by the Bingo caller is, ” Yous widdnae get this at the Big Bingo!” Apparently, and this is hearsay as I’ve never been, the pace at the Big Bingo is very fast and the caller waits for nothing and no-one, including once, I was told, when an old dear collapsed over her bingo board: they played on around her and even the paramedics hung on to the end of the game before attending to her. Bingo is serious stuff to old people. Unless, of course, you are at our Auld Yins Bingo where there are constant interruptions as they drop their dabbers, need the toilet, are on the wrong page or a mobile goes off and an Auld Yin has a conversation with their pal Jessie as to the route of the No 56 bus! You get the picture? When such an event occurs the rest take up the inevitable cry of, ” Yous widdnae get this at the Big Bingo!”
The other night an Auld Yin missed the first number struggling to get the lid off her dabber and asked for it to be repeated. The Bingo Caller instantly replied, yes you know what, to which the old dear said, “Aye but their payoots arny this paltry!” The Bingo Caller took the huff saying, “Yer no exactly a spring chicken yersel, hen!” clearly mishearing paltry for poultry. Much hilarity ensued as the other Auld Yins who could actually hear (not all of them can, another problem!) got it. This of course resulted in multiple bathroom breaks as several incontinent Auld Yins sorted themselves.
It occurred to me that this is our problem with Cameron; we are either mis-hearing or misunderstanding him. Our interpretation of his policies is, therefore, based on an entirely false premise. For example, Cameron talks of austerity measures and we hear cuts to Local Authorities’ budgets, cuts to services, increased costs of basics such as food and energy, pay freezes, increased pension contributions, food banks in our communities; the list is endless. However, Cameron means, “All in it together.” as he and his rich cronies share our pain. You DO remember meeting them in the food bank queue or waiting for their ATOs assessment? No? Didn’t think so. So we are clearly using a different dictionary altogether from Cameron, his buddy, Osborne and their Coalition partner, Clegg. An unholy triumvirate I recently heard described as the The Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion: no brain, no heart and no courage! Sounded a fairly accurate assessment to me!
The paucity of their compassion, understanding and basic humanity: the depths of their greed and self interest, means that the banker’s chickens have come home to roost: just home to roost on the wrong heads. As the Auld Yins would say, no, not that!
Rather, “Excuse us while we all go to the loo and read the toilet roll; Cameron’s policies are written there!”